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A Sea Of Red

I walked into my bedroom this afternoon and there was a hospital bed with my husband in it, he died last year but I looked at him in shock and disbelief. I walked over to him and sat down as I gently wiped the blood from his nose and down his chin.

I asked him why he had come back and he said because “I needed him” and he wanted to be there for me in death when he wasn’t in life. I sat and stared at him and felt so helpless like I had when he was dying and the tears escaped by eyes in floods.

No one can ever understand the emotions that go along with the death of a spouse and no one can until they experience it. It doesn’t matter what the relationship status is because in the end, yes in the end the only thing that matters is the two of you and how you cope with the situation.

I am great at dealing with emergency situations but this was so far past an emergency there isn’t even a name for it. You no longer look at each other as separate entities but as one and all my will and might I could not breathe life back into his body once he passed.

I sat next to his bed for about an hour and I couldn’t move, I had failed in my mind’s eye, I had failed my children by letting their dad pass. I didn’t let anything happen, it just did as it was meant to be and I still see my hands covered in red from cleaning the blood of him.

Death is death but when it becomes a visual death then things get tough, real tough. I am finding out that there are not that many people that have put to rest their spouse in the manner I was forced to. The blood flowed freely from his body as I withdrew into myself.

I still sit and look out the window and see his face the day he died, horrific and painful at best and I just walked through the house not believing his body was in the bedroom, gone of life, love and laughter he was. No one can hold a bleeding heart as it passes from this world to the next but I am forever seeing him and hearing him.

I cry for the loss of him and I cry for our children and I cry for myself but none of it makes for a sweeter memory, no just a reminder of what once was. I remember so clearly the day Shelby and I went and picked out the headstone and crematory box.

I couldn’t think or focus and Shelby had to pick everything out but she did it with such ease and precision

The calls to the ems, watching him being taken out of the house, watching them shove a tube down his throat and the fighting. Always fighting with the doctors and nurses when he was in ICU the nurse had one patient, my husband and she tried to feel for a pulse on his ankle, she didn’t know he didn’t have a leg and it’s moments like this that make me crazy with anger.

I do not want to think about this any longer as it is to painful and still raw in so many ways. I have learned to never let a day go by without telling my kids I love them and never let a day go by blaming myself for his death. I sometimes feel like I am running through the forest in the dark during a rainstorm and I cannot find shelter.

There will always be times like this and memories just as painful and there is no hiding from it, ever. You cannot just watch someone die and think you will never think about it again or it will have such a profound effect on  your life.

I have lost all desire for material wealth and have found the only thing in this world that is important is people not possessions. When you experience the depth of loss that I and so many others have, then and only then do you have the right to tell me it’s ok to cry.

 

 
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Posted by on September 4, 2012 in Define Me, Music

 

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Say It All

 
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Posted by on September 4, 2012 in Define Me

 

Never A Bride

I married once in this lifetime and shall never walk that way again as I have found “love” is always a contract or means ownership to so many. Why do people think because the two of them want to be together that one can control the other?

Why do people think marriage is total control of another person? Why can’t people be together and live separate lives as well? It does not mean you love less or the committment is less because it isn’t and never will be, men tend to have a difficult time letting women be themselves but then women like to control as well.

I don’t want to run anyone’s life but my own because that is a difficult enough job as it and I will not allow anyone to run my life for me. I am the type that is “what is mine is mine” but I don’t need to prove it because he already knows he can walk a very fine line with me and no I am not above tripping him either.

I could never marry again because I can no longer trust anyone with my heart or with me and I can honestly say I will never walk down an aisle again. I don’t like marriage, just the perks and I do not like the games so many play.

I am definitely the type of person that would have a horse waiting outside the church and when the I do’s came, I get up and don’t all the way to that horse and off into the sunset with me, no ring, no paper, no broken promises. It is hard to live without love but I seem to have managed, not quite nicely but I have managed.

I am sitting here dripping sweat once again which has been protocol for days now as I wake up drenched and into the bathroom and back to bed. I am wearing a flimsy robe to absorb the sweat from my body and then the chills take over.

I have no idea what is wrong with me and I will not go to a doctor so I can be told I have a “bug”. I am ran down and when I am my body starts to reject me in all sorts of undesirable ways. I haven’t eaten in days, just ice cold watermelon  right off the rind off the fridge and then back to bed.

I don’t do sick well, not well at all as I am rarely the patient and I hate getting ill. When my soul is ill my body becomes ill as well and it’s as if I am flushing every piece of toxic from me. I am blowing my nose and wiping sweat like I am bailing hay again.

I got a call today, it was the call that was suppose to throw me off track, well it didn’t and the call was already anticipated along with all the lies. I love when someone tells you they love you but it’s all a guise, not a bit of truth to it.

He panicked and took a leap he thought would save him but it didn’t because I already know the truth, all of it and it sickens me. He can never share my heart, life or bed because he is seduced by the fairest maiden of all, the all mighty dollar.

 

 
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Posted by on September 4, 2012 in Define Me

 

Mercy

I am an empathetic person but I have found some people do not deserve mercy as the ugliness they have brought upon themselves has not only touched them but others as well. People want forgiveness and not to speak of their deeds.

You cannot run from yourself and you can never undo a wrong, especially to me, my anger runs to the center of the earth and back. At this very moment we could be in the same you and I would not notice you-that is what you have done.

Played your childish games for to long thinking I’m just another stupid woman, YOU ARE WRONG. I don’t need to ask questions because I have all the answers along with a box I was going to send months ago but have chosen not to waste my time sending.

You do not know me and would only love to know me, have me but never will I give myself to the likes of you, a greedy, self centered, anarchistic person such as yourself will always “try” to buy your happiness because that is how shallow you really are.

You not only lost me but something much more important, MY FRIENDSHIP.

 
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Posted by on September 4, 2012 in Define Me

 

The Evil/Toxic One

I never knew you could actually see evil in a person but you can, if you look around their picture or their body you see black, black as coal, as the night. Evil so strong it tries to consume you along with it and I am surprised that God has let such one come to touch my life.

This person has it all, fame, wealth, prestige but this person continues to be a scammer, yes you are a scammer and nothing more. Nothing is ever good enough for you and you always have to have the best even when the finest has brought thieves into your own den.

You are the “great” but if people knew the truth, the dirty sordid details of your list of deeds and nights of thievery using words of love to empty the pockets of so many, this is your great accomplishment in life? You have reduced yourself to greed and theft and I cannot allow you to dirty my door with your filth and lies.

You are not to be respected, how can you respect yourself? Who do you think you are? You have nothing on me, not a damn thing. Word on the street you even named your child to “fit” into your world of control through love and religion.

Have you no shame? No guilt? How do you sleep at night? I no longer care who you sleep with and I no longer want to know someone like you. You have covered me in your black tar and no matter how hard I try to wash it away, it clings to me and sickens me.

You seem so shocked that my emotions are of such anger and depth but if you would look at me instead of your own beauty you would see what you have done, single handedly you have destroyed a part of me that was pure and good.

I do not respect you one iota and never will as you are the lowest of the low and you make no amends so I want nothing of you in my wake. Leave me on the beach to dry out and heal from your machete like wounds you so proudly show off.

I thought I could never hate again but you have proven me wrong, so very wrong. I have come to hate you as well as myself again. Do you set out each day to ruin someone’s life, is that your daily goal starting at 5a.m.? I do not want you near me you are TOXIC. 

There is no room for toxic waste in my life and that is exactly what you are and forever will be. How do you live with yourself? How do you wake up feeling good about what you have done? Don’t feel so good does it? Try sitting on my couch and see the view.

 
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Posted by on September 4, 2012 in Define Me

 

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Goes Around

I saw your plane crash in the sea of lies………………………

 
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Posted by on September 4, 2012 in Define Me, Music

 

Fallen In Love Not With You

 
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Posted by on September 4, 2012 in Define Me, Music

 
 
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