Category Archives: Being Free and Just Me
It’s such a beautiful day, it’s one of those days that the breeze is warm and it’s not to hot out, one of those days that you want to whirl in a circle outside with your head tilted back and feeling wonderful.
It’s the kind of day you can hug yourself and smile because you’re thinking of someone special and how good it will feel wh their arms are around you. It’s the kind of day you wear jeans and cowboy boots and kick at the dirt as you are thinking of that special person.
I do so hope this trip is fun and exciting as I need fun and excitement for a change and I am so wanting to feel his arms around me. Hopefully, I no longer will have to dream of his warm body next to mine, but finally feel it. I believe what I feel is real and I believe we belong together but only time will tell.
I bet Albany is just beautiful this time of year because Michigan sure is and the weather, well this is just perfect weather and I wish I were fishing right about now. It’s just such a beautiful day and I am so relaxed and that is how I plan to be my entire vacation.
I already know Shelby will be calling me telling me that Ryan isn’t picking up, typical kid stuff that will stop when she is in college so I hope. It won’t be long before they are both gone so a phone call or two is welcome at this point in my life.
A perfect day tomorrow would be taking off on time, getting my luggage and making it to the hotel, Mr. Joe shows up and is waiting in the lobby for me, we have a light lunch and go to my room and drop off my luggage and go for a walk and just talk.
Then go back to my room and talk some more until I no longer can keep my hands off of him and I make the first move. If I do that, that will be something because I’m shy, really I am very shy but I think my body has a mind of it’s own these days and will attack him like a tigress, lol.
I hope this winter serves me well and I have someone to wrap my arms around and keep me warm. Winter is so fun when you have someone to play in the snow with and throw snowballs at and this winter is going to be like non other.
I have lost so many including my pets in the last year and I am going to get two more min yorkies male and female the female being bigger of course to carry those babies. I miss my dogs so much and I am getting some new puppies or traveling the world one of the two.
I have a deliciously naughty secret I wish I could share with you but you know how to keep a secret a secret? Don’t tell anyone so you will just have to wait until next Tuesday because I will be busy the next several days.
I really enjoy being naughty and risqué as I find it a rush like the football player when he scores a goal. Some think I am absolutely without shame and I am outrageous, I choose to think of myself honest and straight forward.
I am quite open but there are some things I prefer not to share with others, like making out I just won’t do it in public, in fact I do not like to display any affection at all in public as I feel that should be kept between two people.
I know it makes no sense that I would have sex on the hood of a car but not kiss or make out in public. The two are not the same, not at all sex on a hood is one of those rare things that happen during a rare occasion.
I think kissing is romantic and should be private and between two people and those two people only. I am a private person and I do not care for loud, busy places no I am more the quiet dark restaurant type that likes to sit in the corner of the restaurant.
It’s hard to explain the way this time of year makes me feel, it’s like a peaceful time of year as everything is dying. I know that sounds odd but when things end new things begin and I am hoping that something wonderful and new happens to me soon.
I so wish I had someone to spend the season with and share private moments with and I know soon enough this will happen. I have never given up no I have not and I have never closed the door but yes I am guilty of trying to walk away.
I get frustrated and have no patience and the pressure and stress gets to me at times. There are times I have felt that I could not take another step or shed another tear. Those days are behind me now and I am finally ready to welcome someone into my life.
I am finding myself to be more adventurous these days as I am coming out of my self confined shell. I have kept myself from the world for a very long time as healing as been my main focus as well as my spirituality. I seem to have focused on letting go and enjoying life.
I have been so afraid for so long and I do not know what the hell I have been afraid of because I am not one that scares easily. Maybe it’s the being a single parent and fearing the mistakes that I make with my children because it’s so hard to do the best you can without hurting your kids.
I’ve been fearful to bring a man to my home to meet my children and I just haven’t been ready for that so I have not gone out seeking companionship. I am finally spreading my wings and flying, maybe I’m still learning to fly but at least I am trying.
Going to NY is a huge step for, gigantic in fact because I think he thinks he’s going to have a fuck buddy and that isn’t me. I am not expecting anything to happen, I do not expect to have that wonderful feeling of “clicking” with another.
It would be nice if I could drop some quarters in a “man machine” like a pop machine and choose my flavor but life isn’t that easy.I have such a unique personality as I am so many personalities in one and I can come off as a bitch when I’m joking.
People do not know how to take my humor but my kids know when I’m pissed, even they do not know for sure if I’m joking or serious half the time. I have to be careful what I say to my kids because they believe me when I’m joking.
I told Shelby the way to get rid of crabs, shave on side light the other side on fire and when they go to the shaved side you stab them to death with a fork and she believed me for the longest time. I know longer joke like that about serious shit because they believe me.
I can make anyone believe anything when I’m joking around because I can be so serious, I know that really messes some people up but what the hell, it’s a fucking joke don’t take it to heart. I hope this gent has a sense of humor and laid back personality because hyper people really get on my nerves.
I have a hyper friend and she can’t sit still for a second, drives me fucking crazy trying to follow her with my eyes and talk to her. I tell her sit her ass down or I’m leaving them she sits and starts with the pencil tapping on the table, omg give it a fucking break take a xanax and chill hon.
This NY trip has been on my mind so much as I keep going back and forth if I should go or not, I know I should go but this is scary for me. I mean who the hell gets on a plane to meet someone they don’t even know in a city they have never been too?
I’m not going to back out of this trip because I am doing everything I want to before I die and if it means crossing into unfamiliar territory, then I guess I’m crossing. I’m going sky diving, water rafting and God knows what else but I’m living life to the fullest.
I cracked up when I asked him if he wanted to marry me and he said idk, as if I was serious, lmao. Marriage is not something you do over the internet, hell I am in no way ready for marriage not in the least. I have to learn how to date as I do not know what or how I am suppose to act.
I don’t know if I should just let the evenings unfold or keep control of the situation so I am not put in a situation that will be uncomfortable for me. Then there’s the problem if we do click because I cannot move to NY and he cannot move here.
I cannot see myself in a long distance relationship that is based on phone calls and texts and I cannot run off to NY every other week. Things are very touchy for me right now getting the kids back and I have to be careful of what I do or say.
I have to look into a Disney Cruise in February as that will be the last trip the kids and I can take together for a very long time. Shelby graduates and she will be gone, hell she is going to be 18 in January and Ry will be 16 in feb. I can’t believe how fast they have grown.
It’s a difficult situation to be in when you have children and want to have a relationship with another person because your kids will always be your kids but will your partner always be your partner? I do not do the cheating game and I do not take chances with my heart.
I doubt that there will be a connection between the two of us but that is ok because you cannot expect to have a relationship with the first person out of the stable. I still have feelings for someone somewhere but do not know the real him and never will so he is turning into dust and my heart is ok.
I have to be so damn careful because being a giver can get you into a lot of trouble and people will take advantage of that. I figure it this way, keep me in fruits and veggies and I will be happy, lol I know I am such a simpleton.
I have always been afraid of takeing risks and chances because I was never encouraged to do a damn thing, hell my mother never even looked at my report card but she always was checking my sister’s out. I know it sounds like I am jealous of her but I really am not.
My sister lives way beyond her means and she is not happy and never will be. Being gay is a hard life and her lovers have been nothing but users. Hell, she adapts to them even going as far as thinking she wanted to be jewish.
She tattooed the jewish sign on the back side of her wrist, fine be jewish today and in a month she will be a fucking buddhist, then a monk probably who knows and who cares. My sister really screwed me over but I am not like that.
I have involved her in the legal matters involving my dad, which I did not have to do but she is my dad’s child never the less. I had a step sister named Rosemary, her mother Cookie as we called her died of a heroin overdose, nice mom but she was nice to us when we were little.
I really hope NY is a good time, I need laughter and relaxation and I need to share time with another adult for a change. My son sticks to me like glue always telling me he loves me as if I am going to disappear, it was really hard on him being away from me for so long.
Scott and I had a talk about our next move once the judge drops the felony charges and Scott is a grin, he is so damn smart and sneaky as hell when he needs to be. I really like him so much as a person, he is so far and honest. He said to me that I am keeping him busy with all the break ins I get busted for, I had charges brought against by Cindy for basically B and E.
Cindy was trash pure and simple the girl would fuck anyone for fifty bucks and the ad I put up was because if you saw Cindy in real life you would see a broken now drug addict, alcoholic, thief and liar. She uses everyone she comes into contact with.
Someone once asked me why I thought all these bad things were happening to me, well I have finally got the answer. For every bad thing that has happened something extraordinary good has also happened or is happening. I am no quitter and will fight to the death when sometimes maybe I should just give up and give in but that isn’t me.
My friends know how ugly I can get when someone fucks with them or my family other than that I am pretty laid back but I do so love to joke and my son and I agreed I am the funniest person I know. I love a good comedian or joke and Big Rick is always coming down to check on me and tell me his latest dirty joke.
Big Rick always calls and checks on me to see if everything is ok down here as he lives up the street with wife Lynn. Lynn works at the main hospital downtown and has helped Bob get transferred down there so many times. It usually takes several days to get a transfer but Lynn is able to move it to the same day.
I know I am all over the place with my writing this am but I couldn’t sleep and just started typing like I usually do. I am quite blessed and thankful for everything I have and have been through because that is what builds character.
I just wish people would realize even though the strong survive they still need affection and love, we are not made out of titanium.I just hope that “Mr. Wonderful” is up to having me around because I can be a handful for sure.
I just hope we have time to just relax and talk, drink some beer and wine and eat carry out in bed watching movies. I know, I am way to exciting but I am tired-no I am mentally exhausted and just need to get away and focus on myself for a bit.
It’s draining being a single parent as there is so much to do when you have kids in private high school, books to order, clothes from a specialty store, car to purchase, tuition to pay, driving them where they need to go and on and on.
Ryan has a friend that is a Junior and he was telling me he might be going to the prom with her. It’s so cool my son tells me about his “girl friends” he is so open with me about them and that is fantastic, now Shelby well that girl is one tough nut to crack.
I tell her things and she just smiles as if she is listening but is going to do what she wants to anyway. Both kids are gifts from God and I would be so lost without them. What am I going to do when they are gone? I miss them already.
I am sure I will survive but it is not going to be easy I know that, I am going to be the mom that cries because her daughter has moved away and then her son. I hope I have love in my life by then because I am willing to take those risks and chances.
He came to me in the night again, the third night in a row this precious little boy and he climbed up on my bed and I asked him if he wanted to hear a story, his eyes lit up and he said yes. I told him a story about a little boy that went treasure hunting during the day and was in the woods when nightfall came. He could not find his way out of the woods and he was hungry and scared as well as dirty, which was to be expected. The boy found a stream and drank from it and washed his face and hands as he had been taught.
He kept walking trying to find his way out but could not as it got darker and darker. He sat next to a tree and started to cry, he felt something on his leg and as he looked up he was surprised to see a little bear. The little bear asked him why he was crying and the boy said, “I am lost and I miss my home” the bear said if you listen for the thousand bears they will guide you home and the little boy asked “who is the thousand bears?” you don’t know of the thousand bears asked the little bear and the boy replied “no”.
The thousand bears are the voice of your worried parents and the thousand bears are your protectors and will guide you home. The little bear said “come walk with me” and they walked hand in hand talking until the boy began to laugh. They talked of things boys talk of and all of a sudden they could hear voices and the little bear said “listen, that is the sound of the thousand bears, follow it and you will find your way home”, but you must come with me the little cried and the little bear said “I cannot, if I leave who will guide the other lost children to the thousand bears?” The little bear said go now and if you are ever lost again call my name, my name is Gabriel.
The little boy walked towards the voices of the thousand bears and he finally reached the clearing, he saw a thousand bears of every shape and color and they lead him to his home and disappeared. The little boy ran in the house and hugged his mother and father as they cried and he told them the story of the thousand bears and they just laughed.
The little boy next to me told me he liked the story and he liked me and minded if he could come to me again and I told him anytime he liked he could visit me and we could read stories and I could tell him more stories. This little was just perfect, the perfect age and he was so sweet that I wanted him to visit me every night in my dreams. I used to dream of the man I love but this little boy took over and I could not help myself as I love kids.
Women, your man will fuck another woman if you don’t keep your sex life exciting and that is a given, there is no man who will not fuck another woman if his wife won’t fuck him and I guarantee it. Instead of him fucking someone else, why not bring in a third-party to spice up your sex life and keep your man at home? spontaneity is the key and an open mind is so important as are the use of sex toys and getting a bit kinky.
A woman who won’t at least try new sexual acts is a woman who is going to see her husband fuck another I know a man who has fucked more women than there are fans at a final soccer match and believe me when I say he has fucked himself silly as he truly has. It is not a secret to his wife and they both know it but hey ya gotta please your man and that is that, after a woman has children she is no longer “tight” and that takes away the pleasure for a man. Men like that tight feeling as it makes their cock get stimulated and they enjoy the sex more, so women at least try to please your man by putting your ass in the air and trying a little play time in that area.
The man I speak of I may never meet but if I do and we have a relationship he no doubt will want to fuck another eventually which will not fly with me. I prefer to keep our sex life exciting and fresh and whatever we both want to try we will do as you never know what you might actually enjoy unless you try it. I do not know why women have so many sexual hang ups but being sexually free would reduce the divorce rate tremendously.