Category Archives: Dating


I am your obsession

Your fantasy

In your minds


I am your lover

I am your


But you have

Done so much

Wrong to 


Now I am


I would love

To hate you

I know longer

Even like 


A thief

A liar

Living on the

Hire Wire

Always wanting

The best

You have stolen from 

The rest






I once thought I 

Wanted to be your


You are filthy

A cheap


I want you

Out of my


I want you no


You killed something


That was of 


You no longer

Belong near me

You are a 


A bad


You are


A killer

Of a


That is why

It is time



I hate what you did

I saw it and felt


You killed

What was

Left good



You pulled

Me under 


Under the


I am lost

But not


Because I have

Finally began to




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Posted by on September 4, 2012 in Dating, Poetry of Life


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Some things are just to weird to me and when someone says they want to come visit you like they live around the corner when they live a world a way is weird. He wants to come visit me so bad but I won’t let him, not yet. Im waiting to see the common man not some mogel.

I am so fortunate and so many women would love to be in my shoes but that isn’t me. I don’t want the limo’s, diamonds, fancy digs and all. I am just the run of the mill let me stay home and take care of the family type of person.

He’s offered to come and stay at a hotel but I’m not ready for him to be that close yet and don’t know if I ever will be. He’s been talking a lot about living together and I don’t even know his middle name. He has totally flipped over me and I do not know why.

I do not compare myself with other’s so I really have no idea how I stack up against other women but it doesn’t matter to me. Maybe I should just give in and let him come sooner, it’s time for me to be with a man and I want to so bad.

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Posted by on September 3, 2012 in Dating, Define Me


No More Lonely

You can live a very sheltered and lonely existance and then one day the doors open and in walks someone that wants to be with you and for you. I can’t remember the time I was on the phone for hours with someone that wanted to listen to what I had to say.

He values my opinion and has asked me to work for him, actually he wants me to run a division for him, lol. Yes I have owned several businesses and know all about market share, distribution, connections, ass kissing and all aspects of business.

I don’t need degrees because I have the experience, I know how to get people in my pocket, especially men. If you listen people tell you all you need to know to turn the tables on them. People give to much of themselves away so easily.

I give away quite a bit of myself but I am actually discarded it as I have gotten the use out of it. People like to think I am stupid and controllable, I am neither and I always feel put on defensive as if I have to prove myself, which I do not.

He makes me feel secure and respected, he makes me feel worthy of life and living, he makes me or does he? I do not know what I feel any longer about anyone. My head is twirling and feels like it’s in a toilet swirin’, I feel lost and alone running for no open arms anywhere.

I am feeling protective on guard fearful and scared, emotions especially my own are so deep and scary and I can drown so easily. I cannot control my emotions and I am impulsive and careless at times but I still feel confused.

Do I open myself up to someone new or should I keep him a bay? Do I allow him to share my table? bed? heart? touch my skin? Do I allow him to hold me when I cry and wipe my tears? Do I share a morning laugh together in bed with him?

Do I feed him french toast in bed and lick the pure maple syrup from his chin and lips? Do I let him near my heart? I think not so quick, he continues to try to impress me and I have slapped him down for it, maybe he will soon enough realize I do not need monogrammed robes and soaps.

Must he put me so high on that pedestal that when I fall I never stop? He sets me to high and I do not wish to live up to such expectations. I am fallible, so very fallible but he doesn’t see that. He can almost see me and that scares me.

I am not one to easily give me heart, my body is on it’s own but my heart I control and always will. I do look forward to spending my birthday with him as I have been alone forever on my birthday. Not that it’s a monumental occasion it’s just a reason for me to get drunk once a year.

He will see me at my best, lol I am a total silly ass drunk, I am the lovable, stupid, funny drunk that most people wish they were. I get very sensual when I drink as well, tequilla down the throat, panties off the rear but I think that does that to most people doesn’t it?

I am not perfect but pretty close, lol ya right, the one thing I do like about myself is I can and do always laugh at myself and what an ass I can be. If you can’t laugh at yourself then who can you really laugh at? I’m not laughing right now because I have to finally say good bye to someone.

I waited but someone came along, you knew it would happen one day and the day came, I will miss you and you will always have a place in my memory. I wish you all of your dreams to come true and you always be happy.

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Posted by on September 3, 2012 in Dating, Define Me


There With You

I am always there with you, you may not see me with your eyes but you feel the touch of my hand on your heart for always. I am hugging you on your loneliest moments, I am giving you fluttering kisses when you think it’s a gentle breeze.

I am there always and you need not touch me for I to touch your heart………………………………………………

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Posted by on September 3, 2012 in Dating, Define Me, Music


It’s Fine

Hey today’s been another great day and Ryan and I adopted a kitten from the dog pound and I adopted two yorkie puppies, two females. Ya I know, I’m just such a fantastically wonderful person, blah, blah, blah save the shit. 

I do what I do because I believe and that’s all there is to it, it was a great day because I no longer let “him” hurt me, no he no longer touches my heart, which is a good thing because that’s the first step in getting someone out of your heart and head.

He is going to be a wanderer his entire life as he is always going to wonder what it is like to be with me, he knows what he wants but he is to afraid to go for it yet he hangs on to every word I type, every site I am on and he just won’t let go but won’t move forward.

Well, I can’t wait any longer and like I said he no longer can hurt me as he does exactly as I expected of him which means he never lets me down because I took back the power and refuse to lift anything to let me down from.

I do not think he does the things he does because he is malicious no I think he has an illness that is so disruptive he cannot do anything about it either. Yes I am totally convinced he has a mental illness and he has got to learn that I am no longer waiting.

I’m jammin’ like I do every day and no I have shed not one tear as he is the one that should be crying. I’m just blowin’ a doob, jammin’ and have adopted an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude because I really do not. You can only let people upset you when you give them mental space.

You know people aren’t born assholes they just turn into one through life’s experiences, I am not sure if he is an asshole or has a mental illness. One thing I can accept is mental illness as least that’s a legitimate excuse but when you’re an asshole, well you’re just another asshole.

I’m not his shrink but have enough of my own problems to see that his problems are much worse than mine could ever be. That’s why I don’t get upset because I know he isn’t very stable and hides behind aliases and he hates himself.

How can I not feel sorry for him? Hell, I opened up to him and he is the one that has needed to open and start feeling good about himself. You know, when you hate yourself there is no darker days to try to survive through and it’s hard to make it to the next day.

You can never make anyone do what they do not want and the ones that want to and can’t well can’t help them. I just smile and look out the window and keep my little secret to myself and remember him fondly as a fool I once knew.

You know sometimes, people become a way of life and that is where you like to keep them, liking failing relationships. Some people just stay because they feel responsible, guilty or whatever but I have realized how easy it is to replacing him.

He’s been nothing but a “filler” in my life and that is all he has served no real purpose other than to scam me and he even tried to again. You see I pity him not love him and hopefully he becomes a real man one day for his sake.



One More Step

Some people get hurt by another and they say they will never let anyone hurt them again like that. That’s the biggest lie we tell ourselves because as humans we require a certain amount of love and affection but when you get hurt you are to afraid to take one more step.

I used to know somebody that hated themselves and  has been gifted with a talent that was used to help many people with. I think I have a bit of understanding why this person denies himself the happiness he wants so badly. I think he has no clue about illness but I do and I have noticed his actions to be one of an ill person.

I am not trying to be mean, no not at all in fact I’m trying to save a life here. He knows what he wants but he allows himself to deny himself of that love. He worries about the erratic behavior and out bursts and is afraid for me to see that side of him so he pushes me away.

He doesn’t realize my mother and my brother is and was mentally ill, my brother had paranoid schizophrenia and I have also dealt with people in life that are ill. He thinks if he keeps hurting me I will go away. Nope that isn’t going to happen because I am not going to reward him for his poor behavior and self image at this time.

No, I am not going away so forget that right now and I do know one thing, when you care for someone you are there for them no matter what the situation. I am always going to be here as his friend and yes I do believe he has an incurable mental illness.

He can continue to be narccistic and deny himself of love and someone who understands where he is at in his own mind. I understand only to well and I am here to tell about it, I hated myself so much that looking in the mirror never happened.

I felt such a heavy emptiness and profound sadness that I walked through the days like a zombie. I couldn’t get myself to do a damn thing. I lost all desire for anything or anybody and I locked myself away from the world so I could lick my wounds.

Well, the most shocking event occurred, I had a break through my mental illness and I have found a way to help myself in moments of stress and anger build up. I have learned not to blow up at people as that only makes the situation worse. I still have my blow-ups but quite infrequently these days, I know about the cold, rainy fall days when one is alone.

Hate yourself all you want, in fact I encourage you to hate yourself as much as you can. Now turn that emotion around and love yourself as much. Couldn’t do huh? Need a little help in that area? You need a good friend not a lover, you have a great friend right here but you are to afraid to reach out for fear of more pain. 

I totally understand those feelings because I lived through them myself. I think it has been best that I had no one in my life because I have been able to focus on my own mental health and become so much better. I reuse to let my illness every run my life again.

The saddest thing in the world is he cannot deny himself of her, he is obsessed with her and follows her everywhere she goes online. He does little things to keep tabs on her even though he is no where near her. He cannot let her go and that is making him feel crazy as well.

I have no plans of sitting down and waiting for him to build up enough character to meet me, hell no girlfriend is not a waiting for no man. God knows what she needs and will care for her and when the time is right, he will come into her life.

He may be waiting at a deli for a lunch, he could be the gas station attendant, hell he could be even you, yes you just have to be willing to take one more step in my direction and then quicken your pace because you were going to run in my direction until you started thinking to much.

I expected you to pull out as the date got closer and I knew you were going to be a no show as that has been a given with you. You are scared out of your wits to meet me and you know that is true. I do not have powers to put a spell on you, I assure you.

If you do not take this opportunity to enrich your life, you may have just given up one of the best things that could have happened to you. I promise you I will not wait but will be here if you need me and I am not mad and I am not crying.

I am working filling that space in my heart that needs love now, yes right this second and I plan on getting it filled. You are going to be really pissed at yourself that you didn’t take advantage of meeting me, go one bury your head in work, like that is going to help you?


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23 Words

I have counted them and twenty three words describe the feeling of betrayal all over again. I knew better than to believe he would meet me and he loves setting me up and watching me fall. He has really hurt me but that comes as no surprise.

I have no doubt I will hear from Joe again, ya he’s another joker a real winner and liar. I am through this time did it for me. I will not be treated in this manner and I have to much self respect to play childish games and it’s just not worth it.

I do not know who he is nor do I give a flying fuck as he seems to be quite taken with himself. What else is there to say? Twenty three words describe how I feel and that is all, just twenty three words. I hope he has enjoyed the game.


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