50 Levels of Growing

03 Sep

It’s very difficult to be a parent, as your children grow you have to learn to let them go and be there to catch them not hinder their lives. I looked at my daughter today as well as my son and before me were two adults that need to know I’m there but out of sight.

It’s so hard to watch your children grow, make mistakes and eventually walk out the door for the very last time. My daughter and son both have learned by watching me that being married is not a perfect picture. They have watched me save a life and lose one in the same body.

My children have watched my struggles and frustrations, they have watched me cry myself to sleep as they sneaked into my room to check on me. I feel like the child and they are the parents and sometimes I need that but I am always the final word.

I have come to terms with my husband’s death and I have realized I never want another traditional marriage again. I do not like being told what I can and cannot do, I love my freedom and hate people trying to tell me how to run my life.

I will never be in a contractual relationship as long as I live, once was enough and never again. I don’t want to run anyone’s life and I do not want anyone attempting to run mine. I find things missing from my computer because my stalking likes to think he can control what I do.

He doesn’t like me to share with others, only him as he deletes files that are not his to delete. He doesn’t realize I have backed all my stuff up and the important stuff he can never delete for good. The more he tries to control the worse I am.

I think if he knew what he didn’t have access to he would go crazy with anger. He wants his freedom but he wants to clip my wings, not happening. If he could only see my new photos he would have several dozen of cattle, lol.

He is no longer the object of my  affections and that is his own fault, as I wait for no one to decide if they want to be in my life. The door doesn’t stay open long enough, you’re either in or out and he’s out by choice. He is possessive of friendships and he loves to think he has control but he doesn’t.

I heard from my friend in Texas, I knew I would but I am surprised I heard from him so soon. He just had to tell me he was engaged, as if I care. I congratulated him and asked him what grade she was in as he likes them young, real young.

He got pissed and hung up on me, which I found to be just to funny. He likes to tell me about his new plane or acquisition. He doesn’t get it that some people cannot be bought and yes it is true everyone has a price but mine isn’t in dollars.

I think that’s probably why mr. no show likes to chat with me, I never ask him for anything and I know he would never help me anyway. I don’t want anything from him, not even his friendship as he doesn’t enrich my life at all. He’s to flighty and self indulgent for my taste.

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Posted by on September 3, 2012 in Define Me


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