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The Dead Breathe Life

01 Sep

My husband passed away sixteen months ago on the 26th of August and as I sit watching my son play xbox I see my husband. My son has my husband’s build and it’s one of those days where sadness has touched me once again.

I get sad when I think of Bob and I do not know why, maybe it’s because he was so sick for so many years and how he fought so hard not to die over the years. I think back to the kids looking through the railings on the balcony as the ems took him out on a gurney.

I can see their scared little faces like it was a minute ago and how helpless I felt when it came to comforting them as I had no one to comfort me. It’s very difficult to know today may be the day your spouse dies and to live like that for twelve years was hard.

I visit the cemetery and clean his grave and the kids visit as well, cemeteries are for the living and when I visit I talk to him and sometimes I am not so nice. His death and breathed life into me and I know that is so wrong to say but as much as I miss him, we were never really meant to be.

We were brought together so he could give me children and I could take care of him up until he died and that is what I did. I am no hero I am just someone that does what she believes in her heart to be right and now that he is gone, it’s time for me to live again.

My husband told me I was the best wife he had had, lmao I told him ya three strikes your out buddy. He neglected to mention he had been married twice before, just a minor detail when you are committing your life to someone, wouldn’t you say?

I would really like to sell my home because the memories here are sometimes hard to deal with and I want to close that door and move on but it’s hard when you have no one to distract you and make you feel wanted yes it is very hard. I wish I had a distraction, a lover, a friend.

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Posted by on September 1, 2012 in Define Me

 

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