It’s Fine

20 Aug

Hey today’s been another great day and Ryan and I adopted a kitten from the dog pound and I adopted two yorkie puppies, two females. Ya I know, I’m just such a fantastically wonderful person, blah, blah, blah save the shit. 

I do what I do because I believe and that’s all there is to it, it was a great day because I no longer let “him” hurt me, no he no longer touches my heart, which is a good thing because that’s the first step in getting someone out of your heart and head.

He is going to be a wanderer his entire life as he is always going to wonder what it is like to be with me, he knows what he wants but he is to afraid to go for it yet he hangs on to every word I type, every site I am on and he just won’t let go but won’t move forward.

Well, I can’t wait any longer and like I said he no longer can hurt me as he does exactly as I expected of him which means he never lets me down because I took back the power and refuse to lift anything to let me down from.

I do not think he does the things he does because he is malicious no I think he has an illness that is so disruptive he cannot do anything about it either. Yes I am totally convinced he has a mental illness and he has got to learn that I am no longer waiting.

I’m jammin’ like I do every day and no I have shed not one tear as he is the one that should be crying. I’m just blowin’ a doob, jammin’ and have adopted an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude because I really do not. You can only let people upset you when you give them mental space.

You know people aren’t born assholes they just turn into one through life’s experiences, I am not sure if he is an asshole or has a mental illness. One thing I can accept is mental illness as least that’s a legitimate excuse but when you’re an asshole, well you’re just another asshole.

I’m not his shrink but have enough of my own problems to see that his problems are much worse than mine could ever be. That’s why I don’t get upset because I know he isn’t very stable and hides behind aliases and he hates himself.

How can I not feel sorry for him? Hell, I opened up to him and he is the one that has needed to open and start feeling good about himself. You know, when you hate yourself there is no darker days to try to survive through and it’s hard to make it to the next day.

You can never make anyone do what they do not want and the ones that want to and can’t well can’t help them. I just smile and look out the window and keep my little secret to myself and remember him fondly as a fool I once knew.

You know sometimes, people become a way of life and that is where you like to keep them, liking failing relationships. Some people just stay because they feel responsible, guilty or whatever but I have realized how easy it is to replacing him.

He’s been nothing but a “filler” in my life and that is all he has served no real purpose other than to scam me and he even tried to again. You see I pity him not love him and hopefully he becomes a real man one day for his sake.



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