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Monthly Archives: August 2012

The Guilty Voyeur

Have you ever felt guilty for doing something you shouldn’t have? Of course you have and you probably feel guilty right now as you read this knowing that I know you read what I write. You have an insatiable desire to know my every thought, especially when it comes to you.

You sit back and judge me and often wonder where I am coming from or what makes me tick or think the way I do , you can’t figure me out because you are not suppose to, you are only suppose to learn from me hopefully and maybe I have shed some light on the dark corners of your life.

I should just call you the “peregrine” as I feel like the rodent you hunt from the sky’s, you follow my every move and I do not know why but it isn’t doing you any good is it? You like reading about my new “interest”? Does it make you feel good to know that someone is interested in me?

I won’t be alone for along I guarantee you that so do not worry about me, please I will be fine. I will have my soul mate when the time is right and I will remember you fondly and pray that you one day become happy. I cannot change your actions or lack of I should say.

We both know if you wanted to be with me you would but you have no time for me in your life nor do you want that or it would happen. You will be gone again shortly for the season and your head is turned towards Brazil and there is no space there for me.

You don’t seem to want me to find happiness with anyone and you seem to like to see me sad and lonely and I have no idea why you would be that way. I want the best for you and always will and if you are involved I do hope you turn your head back to your relationship.

Do us both a favor and forget about me and my life and wish me luck in this life, pray for me that my soul mate comes to me soon because I am deeply lonely, yes I admit it I am very lonely and want to share my life with someone.

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Posted by on August 31, 2012 in Define Me

 

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The Spy In You

Why do people spy on each other? They watch every move you make in life and on line, they read personal blogs and look at the same old pictures over and over. They even go as far as contacting you under fake fb names and use pics from google images.

They will play up to you and pretend they are someone else, why? Is it a touch of insecurity? Lack of control over a person or situation? People just torture themselves when they spy on others because there isn’t a thing they can do about what the other person is doing.

Do they spy because they do not have what it takes to meet the person face to face? Are they fearful of rejection? Did they ever stop to think instead of being the player they are being played? Do they think they have gone unobserved?

It must be a very sad and lonely life someone lives when they live from day to day to spy on me, it’s there choice not to be with me and I am not waiting. When you spy on someone you read or see things that will hurt you very deeply and show the lack of respect for you.

I never spied on my husband but boy did he love to spy on me and I never did anything worth knowing about, really I am not a cheater and never will be. That is me and others live their lives differently for their own reasons and it’s not for me to judge their lives.

I think it’s a bit twisted to spy because we are adults and the choices you make in life are your own and if you prefer to spy then so be it. It must be a very sad state of affairs your life is in if you choose to spy because I would never do that to you.

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2012 in Define Me

 

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The Drive

My son and I drove seventy miles to our rv and winterized it, turned around and came back home as the thrill was gone by the time we got the sink fixed and the rv buttoned up for the winter. We have such good talks and laughs when it’s just him and I.

Shelby has always been mad that her brother was born and took attention away from her but that seems to be the case with most children without siblings. I have found the only child family to end up with a selfish and self centered child most of the times.

They seem to always get what they want and think they can go through life and expect the same thing. The only child behavior is exactly why I didn’t want just one child. Those of you that are an only child can say I am full of it but look at your life, really look at it.

You tend to like to be competitive because you like to win and like all the attention on yourselves. Fine through rocks at me but ask anyone with multiple children. My son is the most loving child but my daughter has bitch written across her forehead in neon.

Maybe it’s just her age but I do not think so as she has always been very selfish and wanting the best. My daughter is taking all honors classes this year and she is one of those girls that every mother wishes she had and every mother would love to have as a girlfriend for her son.

Both of my kids are very impressive intellectually because they got my dad’s genes. My dad had a “third eye” as he could see things others couldn’t. He was hired by the gov’t to work on a secret project back in the sixties so that tells you he was no slacker.

My dad and I became acquainted five years ago and since we met I tend to have no intestinal fortitude for weak minded men or people in general. My dad was a unique person in so many ways, he made his own silver water for medicinal purposes.

It’s hard to find intelligent men in my neck of the woods so when I do run across one randomly I really enjoy their company. Nice boobs just doesn’t get it for intelligent conversation but some men do not know anything else but sex.

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2012 in Define Me

 

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Tears Of A Clown

When I meet people I am always smiling, laughing and joking because who wants to hear about my problems? I surely do not want to hear about theirs. I am the proverbial “crying clown” that people do not see. They do not know what roads of pain I have traveled or the sacrifices I habe made.

I do not dump my load of crap on others because they generally can’t deal with what a mess their own lives are and they do not care. I am a very strong woman but what good is that in itself as others think you do not need anyone, you do not feel, you do not get overwhelmed.

I wake up and look out the sliding glass door and I am instantly overwhelmed because there is so much to do and I never know where to begin. I just need some affection as I am like a puppy and thrive on love as most people do.

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2012 in Define Me

 

Night Falls

For myself, when night falls is when I get the loneliest and wish I had someone to share the evenings with, it’s as if night fall is made specifically for people to mingle and be together. It’s not a lot of fun watching a movie and having no one to discuss it with.

I go to bed and try to fall asleep as quickly as I can because the nights are sad for me and I chose to escape into my dream state. I am a “cold spot” person when it comes to being in bed, my legs are always searching out the cold spots on the bed because they feel good, lol.

I think a lot when I can’t sleep, I think of the past, the present and the future and I wonder where I will be in five years. My kids will be in college and it will be just me and maybe Khloe our kitten if Ryan doesn’t take her or Shelby. 

I feel like I will not know what my purpose in life is when the kids are gone because that is all I have known for almost twenty years. I seriously do not think I will ever remarry again and I have been alone for so long that I am very independent and don’t play well with others.

I do not like anyone to tell me what to do or not do and I refuse to bend to other’s will as that is not what living is to me. You should never have to change a thing about yourself to be with someone and neither should they and you shouldn’t have to kiss ass to keep peace.

Those that have tried to tell me what to do got a better response from pissing in the wind because we are individuals for a reason and that is not to conform. Relationships turn ugly when you have to dance to someone elses tune and if you have to buy them presents all time, well take a look at what you are doing, you are buying love.

The love I have isn’t for sale and neither is my body even though there is no doubt I could be a millionairess by now, lmao. I’m just an extremely intelligent woman that frightens most men, men do not generally care for intelligent women because they want a piece of the beefcake and the mind is totally irrelevant to them.

I’m a unique type of woman in today’s world because I believe in taking care of my family and my man and yes I still cook from scratch, eat out rarely and enjoy spending time with my kids. I believe a relationship should grow and become rich through sharing lifes trials and tribulations.

But then night fall comes and I am alone again wondering if I will ever be with my soulmate and find real joy and happiness. I wonder if there is someone out there that has arms big enough to hold me when I cry and hug just because.

 

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2012 in Define Me, Love

 

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Change

of heart I do not want you to visit me not that you were going to anyway

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2012 in Nature and Nurture

 

Hey

You wont need much clothing, lol trust me on that one

 
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Posted by on August 31, 2012 in Nature and Nurture

 
 
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