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Swimming

If I had made a different choice all would be so different, so very different but I chose the lone road and there is no one walking beside me. He would have gladly rescued me I would not let him and it was not for pride it was the fact that everyone that has ever helped me has thrown it in my face and I wasn’t going to let him. I have given so much in this life time and received so little back and that  is just the way it is, people are no longer caring and considerate and it has become an “all about me” world.” 

I went to the cemetery yesterday and cleaned up Bob’s headstone with armour all and removed all the weeds, I talked to him, yelled, cried and laid on the grave as if I fit there. It should be me in the ground not him and I’m so angry, so damn angry. He cheated me from day one with lies and deception and I have FINALLY accepted the fact the only reason he did marry me was because of what I had, material shit. He lost everything when he got divorced and neglected to tell me he was $50,000.00 in debt. I owned my own home, money in the bank, great benefits and I worked. I worked many 16 hr. shifts in row and I could provide better then most men. That was the attraction for him as he had to live the fucking “high life” and he is embedded in the walls of this house like a song that continues to play over and over.

I have finally let go of all the material shit I have and no longer want any of it, it means nothing as there is not an ounce of love in anywhere in these walls and they have become my prison. I live in the mausoleum of the dollar store. He bought shit, pure shit that does nothing but take up space so it’s all going, the only room off limits is my daughter’s, everything else can be picked over by the rodents of this world. Even my daughter can’t seem to grasp why I live in a fish bowl of shit with nothing ever turning in my favor but it is God’s hand that knows this must all occur so I may bury my current life and start fresh.

My son has no friends so he makes them by being the “pusher man” so I have found out, then he stole $420.00 dollars from my wallet which was for bills and food and I slapped him, yes I slapped him as hard as I could across the face. He ran out of the house and spent the night at a friend’s, went to school and told the fucking principal that I wanted him to buy me weed and he took the money and his connection got busted. Blamed it all on me, when the truth is I never asked him to do shit or gave him the money but I ended up in jail for domestic abuse lafuckingda for me.

I have no money for an attorney and have to go to court the 22nd, I’m facing $5000.00 fine and 90 days in jail and in this world I probably will get slapped with the 90 days, there goes summer. Child services took both my kids and they are filing to have them taken away permanently, lafuckingda. No one asks me what really happened they don’t fucking care, they just need to move another abused kid into a safe haven, just like cops meeting their monthly quota of tickets.

I will sit here alone tomorrow and wonder what my kids are doing and praying they don’t feel bad but I can’t control what tomorrow brings-all I know is I am a sand castle in the rain. I have lost a considerable amount of weight and my clothes no longer fit and I have the entire airport lost baggage department under my eyes. I know longer find comfort in the thought of going to my rv as there is so much work there as well. I used to get such comfort knowing that I had a place to run to but now I can barely walk and see myself as nothing more than a shadow that fades as the sun rises.

I love someone that I can never be with and have done all I can to push him as far away from me as possible. I am toxic to myself and will not spew poison in his direction, he is a good man, a righteous man who is fallible like all of us. I have wanted to reach out  to him so often but refuse to let myself, he has his own problems and surely needs not mine to add to his load. I love him so much that I have chosen to sacrifice him to protect him, that is what love is to me-loving someone so much that their welfare is more important than my own. I’m sure he thinks I have found someone to fuck but no this is not true but could have easily been accomplished.

I could marry a billionaire and all my worries would go up in smoke just to be replaced by a new set of troubles, I am not one to use others and marriage is a partnership to real and deep to play with. Truth be told I had a huge wedding ring handed to me this week and I handed it back. Bigger is not always better and the first thing that crossed my mind was the fact that Mr.Billionaire and I did not have the same value system. or core beliefs. His idea of a wedding ring was big and gaudy, a show piece, my idea was of a simple gold band, no diamonds.  That is were it all begins with the ring and the value put on the ring tells the tale of the person giving it.

I sat in jail thinking about him and wishing he were still in my life for no other reason then to hold me. They wanted to see me cry, the cops get off on shit like that but no tears were going to stain my face in front of them. In fact, I didn’t shed a tear as I know this is all meant to be for some reason. I have to look at it as a cleansing and quit fighting my demons, instead opening the door and letting them fly out, no pushing them out. I have to eliminate the past to make room for the future, which hopefully awaits me with some amount of happiness.

There has been only one man that I have ever loved, truly, deeply loved and I have never met him nor will, his voice soothes my aching soul, his words are comforting but I no longer hear either as I have shut him out. I cannot be a side kick fuck for anyone, I just cannot and no matter how much I love this man he is married and I have no choice but to let go. I don’t know if he knows how much I really love him but it is true, I have undying love for him.

I used to google him a dozen times a day but have stopped as it makes me crazy, I look at his pictures and pray that he his happy and has peace. I go to sleep with him on my mind and wake up with him there. I haven’t given up hope, you have it first and I do not, I no longer sit and wait for something that will never happen and I no longer dream. My dreams have given way to nightmares that make me cry out in the night, only to awake in a bed of sweat. I will leave this house with nothing more then my clothes and a rhubarb plant I planted years ago-I want nothing else. I will never find a man that finds the simplest of pleasures to be the greatest in life and I will never find a rainbow of flowers at my door.

He is fortunate that I have not touched him with my toxicity and I will keep it that way as he will forever be married and I will forever be alone. 

 

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